All 3 are getting better goaltending for cheaper, and one of them has a kid in net that they think is a future stud
This one is possible.
You realize they're run by a stats nerd who is getting like .930 out of Kuemper and Raanta for dirt cheap, right?
You named one that had any sort of realism. I don't think you grasp how bad he's been, and thus, how poisonous that contract becomes, even if you eat a couple million of it. In the last 3 seasons, of goalies with a minimum of 3000 minutes, Carey is 34th in sv% (out of 50). If we even say that 3000 minutes isn't enough and move it to more of a true starter's workload (6000 minutes), Carey is 18th out of 23.
Let's even do him a real solid and scratch that .900 in the 3rd season of the last 3. 14th out of 30, tied with Jakob Markstrom (who Vancouver wants to replace with Carey in your estimation) and Rittich (ditto, Calgary).
Yeah, you might catch some old school GM napping who thinks analytics is something the fags do in the privacy of their own homes, but there isn't going to be a line up of functioning front offices that are interested in a bad goalie on a proper albatross of a contract. You're very, very likely stuck with him. You might, might find someone who will extract a medium sized boat load of value for them to take the contract off of your hands. But that's pretty much best case scenario.